My FaultMy Blame
by Silverwing013
Summary: What Kuwabara may have been thinking after Nekoyami's actions in his body from Until I Say. Free flow. May not be used in overall story.Forbidden Tril


Silverwing013: Just what Kuwabara may have been thinking about when he sat starring at the wall at 2 AM in the morning during Until I Say. This is just a free flow and I'm welcome to anyone else writing down what he might have been thinking before Kurama talked to him.Very welcome if you do. Other ideas on this empty part of Until I Say are welcome. I could pick out bits and peices to use for my Forbidden Trilogy that Until I Say will be stuck into. Free flow. If you want to know why Kuwabara is thinking all of this...read the Until I Say story under my profile. But if you don't like sneak peaks into the middle of my Forbidden Trilogy, then don't.

* * *

I never wanted them to find out.

I never did.

But they have.

I can't say whom I offended the most. It is difficult to say. I hurt them all. Me. All me. My fault.

My fault…fault…fault.

The blame lies with me alone.

But perhaps I blame them somehow.

Kurama should have noticed! He's always been so smart! I couldn't trust him to solve my problem because he didn't even notice! So smart, always so helpful…but he has failed me! How can I trust him! …how can he trust me…?

He could have killed me. I would have welcomed it. To be free of this pain, from being trapped inside my own body. He was so angry…so angry…. He would have done it. …yet, he did not. Why? Why didn't he just end it all then and there for me? I would have been free…. Free….

Free……?

What does that word mean really? Free? There is no such thing. I thought shrimpy was free from everyone else. No one to rule over him, or threaten him, he lived free on his own, his own way, free…. I was wrong.

Wrong.

The runt wasn't free at all. He couldn't…because of me…tell Yukina who he was. His own sister. Because of people like me…he can't be free to express his feelings. To anyone. People like me.

What have I done?

He may never even have a chance to say his feelings now.

Because of me.

All me.

All my fault.

My blame.

His soul my never be able to return to his body. Was there enough time for me to have done any damage to it? I don't know. I hope…hope…his soul won't shatter before it can return. His back…. It's broken. I know it. His chest…claw marks…so deep… So deep…. Blood all over. All over my hands.

My fault…all mine…my fault.

My hands. They all fell by my hands. First was Urameshi. Blood…on his head. All over it…. I could smell it. So much of it. So much. Too much blood. Blood on my hands.

My 'honorable' hands.

What did it mean to me anymore?

Honor…what was it? Was it honorable at all to injure my friends like that? Was it honorable to not tell them about my horrible secret? Was it honorable to suck the soul out of a helpless Hiei and almost destroy it? Was it honorable to Yukina of asking her hand in marriage if she never knew the awful truth about me? Was it honorable to kill off Kurama's last partner and almost his new one? Was it honorable to mock Yusuke like he did?

Or to turn on their backs on being a friend to them at all? I must have turned my back at some point or it never would have happened for so long. I turned his back. It was my fault…my blame…

My fault…blame…

Mine…all mine….

My fault Urameshi got injured so.

My blame to Hiei's problems…and his injuries…and his soul being sucked out. Had it been destroyed?

My fault Kurama is human and with us today…my fault that his first partner is dead.

My blame in Yukina never finding out who her brother is.

All mine. Mine.

My bloody hands. I can still smell the blood. The scent is strong. None of it's mine.

All the blood I've spilled.

All…because of me.

Why? Why am I still alive? I'm still trapped in this body. This body of a human. Am I even human still? Is this body I've been in even mine? Or is it another trick? The smell…I can still smell it. It's real. There is no trick. I have spilled their blood. Me. No one else.

Why am I still alive after what I have done?

I am trapped. Can't they see? I am forever trapped in this body. I wish to be free! To be free! Free of this guilt! Free of this pain! Free of what I have done! Why can't they let me be free? No one will let me. I am trapped in this body. Trapped of my actions. I wish to be free, to be set free.

I have fought Yusuke many times in the past. Despite what he says…he will not free me. He will not finish off this body I am trapped in.

That runt will never kill me. He has threatened many times. I wish he would make good on his word for once. I make the most ridiculous remarks I can come up with…and he does nothing.

Kurama had the chance. A perfect chance. I was almost free and he stopped me. Knocked me unconscious so I couldn't end my imprisonment inside this body.

Why don't they let me be free?

Do they think they are saving me? Saving my life if I don't die? Perhaps they think themselves good friends doing this. I don't know. But saving me is not what they think it is. If they want to save me, they must set me free. If they had…no one would be in this danger now.

Saving me the way that they have done…has saved no one. It has harmed everyone.

They should have set me free. Let me have done the honorable sacrifice long ago before I harmed everyone.

My parents. My sis. Urameshi. Shrimpy. Kurama. Yukina. Everyone…has been harmed by me. Even myself.

You see…all of this…all of it…was my fault. My own fault. I should have been set free a long time ago.

My fault….my fault….the blame lies with me only.

* * *

Silverwing013: Review on what do ya think!


End file.
